The Strongest Person Within

I was sitting on my bed, feeling like there was a brick holding my heart down. I could feel this brick in my stomach. I felt my throat tighten and tears forming in my eyes. I could feel that I hated myself. 

How could I be stupid? How did I let myself fall for all that? How did I not see the sign? The red flags were right there, they were so obvious! I can’t believe myself? I am literally the stupidest person.

I reached for my journal and a pen to start writing down these thoughts to get them out of my head so that for a few seconds I could stop feeling the self hatred. I opened my journal and as I was turning the pages, my eyes scanned a few words on a journal entry I had written when I was “literally the stupidest person”. The words sent signals through my brain, they fired off, from one neuron to the next. Immediately I was transformed into “literally the stupidest person”. 

Emotions came from everywhere with uppercuts and gut punches, I fell backwards. I was back there, to the stupidest time in my life. I crunched forward as an ache emerged in my chest, tears built up in my eyes. I felt pain in my cheeks from the fake smiles. I could feel the warmth radiating out of my body becoming trapped as darkness surrounded me.

My hands continued to turn another page Omg I totally forgot about that and I landed on the next blank page, but sitting before that page was a different person. In the milliseconds of my neurons firing and my brain taking me back in time, a completely different version of me had been created. Where am I?

Lost and confused, the new version of me paused and stared at the blank page, looked up and around, she’d never been here before. She was sitting on a bed, with a journal in front of her, a pen in her hand. This new version of me could just as easily judge the version of me that existed mer milliseconds ago, just as that version of me had judged another past version. With the emotions of “literally the strongest person” version of me lingering, I realized, 

you can’t judge your past based on who you are today.

If “literally the strongest person” could show up in front of me, she would have major issues with me. I could see her there with her arms crossed, eyebrows furrowed and a scowl. She would look at me and go OFF!!

“You need to take several seats. Who do you think you are?! Me? Well, you’re not! I am a part of who you are, but you are not a part of who I am. When you judge me your judging me based on how you feel, not based on how I feel. I went through all that pain and hurt for you to come into existence and your hating on me?! You wouldn’t be who you are if it wasn’t for me. You couldn’t sit there to hate on me if it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t be there now knowing those lessons, able to recognize those red flags if it wasn’t for me. If I didn’t pull myself out of that hole you wouldn’t exist.”

The silence would be so loud.

When you hate yourself for something you did or didn’t do, you only think of the results, you don’t remember the reasons that lead to that result. Those reasons are everything to who you are today. So remember, you can’t judge your past based on who you are today. You only think you can because that version of you can’t be here today to defend themselves. If they could, they would drag you through the mud. 

Also don’t you think it’s messed up to judge someone…anyone.